listen please - royal wedding special

so i share an office with an accountant who runs a business called argot accounting. he is away this week so i am stuck answering his phone and taking messages.
i have i just had a very long conversation with  a silly old woman who did not want to listen to what i said. it went a little something like this.....

me: good morning argot accounting dave speaking
woman: why is it so hard to get hold of you's?
me: erm can i help?
woman: yeah i want to return something to your shop, its broken.
me: ah i think you want argos, we are argot accounting, nothing to do with argos.
woman: its a fish fryer, i only got it in january, and its broken already.
me: i understand that, but we are argot accounting, nothing to do with argos.
woman: you see it actually broke about a month ago, but i couldnt find the box. could i return it without the box?
me: i wouldnt know, this isnt argos.
woman: its ok though as i have found the box now. thats why i am trying to return it now.
me: well that should be better, if you get in touch with ARGOS they should be able to help you.
woman: can you put me through to the store in the hill street centre?
me: no i'm sorry i dont know there number and we have nothing to do with them
woman: why is it so hard to get through to the store i want, all i want to do is return this fish fryer
me: this is not argos
woman: can i just bring it to the store now

at this point i put the phone down. she called back so i told her "fuck off this is not argos" she seemed offended. this is a genuinely true story and this is about the 3rd time this has happened to me when i have been answering the phones here

also a true story, the royal wedding tomorrow is in doubt, after it has come out that ryan giggs has actually been banging kate middleton. we'll still get the holiday though so its all good

another true story. prince harry and prince phillip accidentally killed a prostitute on williams stag do, it was a blinding night though and its not like they havent done it before

he got the 4th medal along for being racist once on a trip to china. and see them swirly things on his shoulder? yeah? up there in the picture? he wears them cos they look pretty!

and if you pull on the rope he turns back into a reptile. its called his 'emergency return switch' all shape shifting reptilians have them. some are a little less obvious though. for example anthea turner has a small button behind her left ear, and with Dermot Murnaghan you have to punch him in the face.

so the first story i told was true, the others may or may not have been. who knows, i know i certainly dont!

this is a frog in a hat

this is a dog in a frog