listen please - royal wedding special

so i share an office with an accountant who runs a business called argot accounting. he is away this week so i am stuck answering his phone and taking messages.
i have i just had a very long conversation with  a silly old woman who did not want to listen to what i said. it went a little something like this.....

me: good morning argot accounting dave speaking
woman: why is it so hard to get hold of you's?
me: erm can i help?
woman: yeah i want to return something to your shop, its broken.
me: ah i think you want argos, we are argot accounting, nothing to do with argos.
woman: its a fish fryer, i only got it in january, and its broken already.
me: i understand that, but we are argot accounting, nothing to do with argos.
woman: you see it actually broke about a month ago, but i couldnt find the box. could i return it without the box?
me: i wouldnt know, this isnt argos.
woman: its ok though as i have found the box now. thats why i am trying to return it now.
me: well that should be better, if you get in touch with ARGOS they should be able to help you.
woman: can you put me through to the store in the hill street centre?
me: no i'm sorry i dont know there number and we have nothing to do with them
woman: why is it so hard to get through to the store i want, all i want to do is return this fish fryer
me: this is not argos
woman: can i just bring it to the store now

at this point i put the phone down. she called back so i told her "fuck off this is not argos" she seemed offended. this is a genuinely true story and this is about the 3rd time this has happened to me when i have been answering the phones here

also a true story, the royal wedding tomorrow is in doubt, after it has come out that ryan giggs has actually been banging kate middleton. we'll still get the holiday though so its all good

another true story. prince harry and prince phillip accidentally killed a prostitute on williams stag do, it was a blinding night though and its not like they havent done it before

he got the 4th medal along for being racist once on a trip to china. and see them swirly things on his shoulder? yeah? up there in the picture? he wears them cos they look pretty!

and if you pull on the rope he turns back into a reptile. its called his 'emergency return switch' all shape shifting reptilians have them. some are a little less obvious though. for example anthea turner has a small button behind her left ear, and with Dermot Murnaghan you have to punch him in the face.

so the first story i told was true, the others may or may not have been. who knows, i know i certainly dont!

this is a frog in a hat

this is a dog in a frog 

strawberry jam rules

its better than raspberry jam.

talahassee is a good name for a band. well as long as it is the right band. tip tree scarlett strawberry jam is well expensive.

this picture amuses me.

today i got a haircut, had a breakdown and hopefully saw the light. 

tonight i will make music. 

this weekend i will meet new people

i will see my brother and niece and nephews

apparently someone is getting married on friday

i get the day off

this is a list

are you still reading? 

i've switched back to left justify

come dine with me is on the telly

one of the women on it is drunk 

the bloke commentating just said another woman had a fat arse! 

i will soon have the internet at home so can write more blogs

i should wrap this up now 

or should i

are you really still reading

did you know that elton john is a cyborg and rod stewart is a lizard person?

1 step forward a million steps back

not wrote a blog for a few days cos my head is spinning. this is gonna be one of those ones where i dont write nonsense, where i dont write about a dog in a hat, where i spill the contents of my silly little head.

i am sad, feeling down, not knowing where i am going, i am winding myself up over things i cant control and wondering where all my confidence has gone. i am wondering where it all went wrong. what i did wrong and why i cant get this one thing out of my head. why am i so bothered about it? why do i feel so lonely? why do i still want back the one thing that has made me hurt so much for the last month?

i need to get away, meet new people, see new things. i need to get a good nights sleep and forget it all, i need to not write shit like this and make myself look like a pathetic fool.

i need aims and goals and to find myself again. i need a haircut. i need to get off facebook where i endlessly look to see what is going on, or where i put out some vaguely disguised depressing self pitying status in the hope i will get a text asking if i am ok. i really should delete all this but i still want someone to reach out to me and tell me its all gonna be ok and the time i needed has passed.

this is a cat in a hat

he looks rather dapper

Ryan giggs has been a naughty boy....

or so i've heard. in other football news i ruined a match for everyone last night by turning up to watch it at half time when there had been 5 goals in the first half so obviously there was only 1 in the second. so i've been struggling to to think of things to write this blog about, i've spent the last couple of days with my brain refusing to think of anything. i thought i'd mention that. some bloke on the radio just pronounced toilet, turlet. whats that all about?

ooh i put the lottery on last night, i wonder if i won.

nah i didnt!

so back to football, i also saw madrid beat barcelona in the spanish cup last night. i like this because i like jose mourinho. maybe a little too much. i think i probably would you know!

after the match in a fit of anger, because someone had asked him the time even though they knew the battery had gone in his watch, real madrid player sergio 'i miss my watch' ramos threw the spanish cup off the top of the team bus. this was made easier as it was a convertable bus and had its roof down cos it was a warm evening.

he then proceeded to rant about his issues with cats. he was spotted writing in big letters on a wall at the team hotel "The inherent problem with most cats is that they are not very delicious and rarely fly through space leaving rainbow trails". jose mourinho then slapped him and sent him to bed. what a man! 

anyways hopefully over the weekend i will be able to think of something to write! 

and i didnt win the lottery :(

feeling brighter

last night i was on the radio. it was fun. a bit of a rollercoaster. i got freaked out. USE YOUR EARS HERE
I was on the radio with ste aka jake radio aka jake ray-dio aka indie jesus or something like that. he's in a band. so am i. guess our name. search for us. listen. come to a gig. please buy a cd or download or something, we REALLY need some money!

i'm using lots of full stops today for some reason.

i'm trying hard with twitter at the minute too, trying to get into it #whatsthefuckingpoint

i love my friends

i'm really annoyed with myself. i started writing this with the intention of writing about something. i thought to myself i'll start with a but of billshit and work up to the main point. but i have totally forgotten what i was gonna write about, ah well another blog will probably turn up later with that.

aparently this is me.

CORRECTION

well my text size and fonts all seemed to get mixed up in that last post. i'm not gonna change it though. would you? answer in a comment if you want. i've also noticed i seem to put lots of pictures of dogs on this blog. maybe i miss my old dog. maybe its a coincidence. anyways here is another.....

home

i'm from middlesbrough, well actually i'm from thornaby, its next to middlesbrough, i like where i am from, i know everyone, most of my friends and family are here, one of my friends wrote this CLICK ME I AM A LINK about middlesbrough.

wow look up there i put a link in my blog, i'm like a proper blogger now.

i work in redcar, its near middlesbrough too, and at the seaside. there is lots of ugly people, there are places that sell ice cream. i dont like it here. but thats only cos i come here every day to work.

Paul Daniels, born Newton Edward Daniels on 6 April 1938, is a British magician and television performer.

that was stole from wikipedia. 

paul, as he is often known, is from the southbank area of middlesbrough. 

suck on that london! 

well thats it for me keeping it local. 

THIS IS A LINK TO NOTHING CLICK IT IF YOU WANT

suicide is painless

so i'm in london with a few hours to kill. i'm skint and a bit tired so cant be bothered mooching around.
so to pass the time i have come to an internet cafe. i am sat next to a crazy man who cannot use the website he is on and is blaming the poor owner of the internet cafe.

i worry that if he reads this he will stab me in the neck. i probably shouldnt be writing this. but i am a crazy man myself! i can take him. even if he stabs me in the neck i will stand on his toe and point out he is ugly! that'll teach the crazy fucker.

anyway chances are this is my last blog before i am killed. so i am gonna post a picture to make me happy.

i wonder if i will be able to do that on an internet cafe computer.

yes i can.

now for an experiment. i'm gonna post this blog on twitter and see what happens.

wanting to tell the person you cant

i just got a 122 point word in scrabble! i should get some sort of medal for that!

the look at me conspiracy

a couple more people seem to have read this blog. i seem to have caught some bug. i want more people to look at it, why? how? who? i dont care just look at me!!! my brain seems to be going all over the place lately for reasons explained in a previous blog. you dont want to know about this though? or do you? i've never asked so many questions!

below is a picture of a well known experimental scientist having a crap. he's not particuarly well known as a scientist as it is all secret government work that he does.

true story! he told me himself!

grooming

so some bloke on facebook keeps sending me messages. asking me if i want to be a wrestler and do some training and stuff. i presumed he worked with a local wrestling company. theres a few about. but always just fobbed him off. then in a fit of boredom the other day i thought i would look into it a little more, it might be a fun way of getting fit. and its something to do.

looking at his page, he doesnt actually seem to work in anything to do with wrestling. he likes watching wrestling. he likes wrestling other men. he seems to have a thing for the bigger hairier type. i think i was in there!

why do i do this?

i dont know. it doesnt make sense. its not really about anything.
last night i tried to write a song on my computer while in bed. i woke up this morning with the wire of my headphones wrapped around my neck. to the casual observer it probably looked like some kinky suicide sex game with an unfinished 2 chord soundtrack.

i brought my dinner to work with me today. i've already eaten it. 

i might get some crisps at dinner time. 

i'm worried.

i should probably do some work. 

banned in 50 states

this dog is cooler than the last one. it reminds me very much of the musician barry manilow but cool.

a grapefruit will roll faster than an apple or an orange but banana is always the top choice.

getting it all out there is good for you but this is much more me.

have i ever told you about the time i totally didnt see stanley victor collymore? he was wearing a poncho. not like a bandito but as a waterproof accessory.

the new strokes song just came on the radio. i like it. does barry manilow? he probably doesnt read this blog so i guess we'll never know. on second thoughts maybe he does. doesnt really matter anyways. the dog doesnt particuarly look like him, i was actually thinking of that chinese actor, whats he called, you know, in all those films with the plotlines and moving pictures and other people and stuff actually i'm getting him mixed up with someone else the dog really looks like a dog i once saw that didnt have a hat on. i wonder if that dog likes the new strokes single. i'm guessing he's more of a barry manilow fan or does he prefer movies to music? he might like that actor i was thinking of.

pogo stilts

depression - a brief insight to my current state of mind

a week ago today, the girl i was seeing broke up with me. this was shit. i'm not even sure we were officially going out. it made me feel a lot of things, an idiot, hurt, sad, worried, lonely, pathetic. she did it all via text and i haven't seen her since. thats not nice. she had her reasons though and i respect that, i'm also worried about her though. i've had a lot of friends who've been brilliant and got me through a tough week. i'm not sure she has. that sounded bitchy it wasn't meant that way. i find it weird, just how much it hurts, i guess it shows how much i actually thought of her, she felt like my soulmate, but it had only been a very short time we were together, so i feel like a dick who is acting like some lovesick teenager, and yet not talking to her all day every day, not seeing her lots and sharing whats going on in our day to day lives actually hurts. i am so grateful for the few months we were together, at times i've never been happier, i felt like i was on cloud 9. but life goes on and i will too. one  very good friend told me something i really liked, he said "you met her, realised she was special, that you wanted to be with her, went for it, got it, and through no fault of your own it didnt work out, so you did good" i still love her, i always will, silly as i feel after only a few months. that is the truth.

so friends gave me advice, took me and got me pissed all weekend, lots and lots have been there for me and i really appreciate that and know that i am lucky. one of them told me to write another blog. it got it all out there (well most of it, this is what it is right now, there might be more to come or something i've forgotten)
thankfully only that friend reads this. not sure i'd want everyone to see this. i like being able to get things out there without people knowing. and if people do find this then so be it, maybe one day she will read it and know how i felt since she wont talk to me now.

but enough of all this maudlin shite i think i'm gonna get a guitar and write an album about it all

and for some reason from the start i've wanted to end with a picture of a dog in a hat