Good News!

I'm back! ready to entertain you again with my delightfully irregular and irrelevant blog! i have recently had to blog for work, its all been very serious talking about such things as learning management systems, root cause analysis, the importance of porn in the work-place, food safety and our inter-office weight loss competition, which I am kicking (fat) arse(s) at! So it'll make a nice change to talk about nothing, look at pictures of dogs in hats and make up some incredible lies.

We've come to a common place in my blogs here, i call it the "i've decided to write a blog and got a nice first paragraph but don't know where to go from here" point. It actually happens more often than you'd think, there are hundreds of un-published blogs that have got this far then i give up. I always liked the idea of being a writer but 99% of the time i cant do it so its kind of ruled out as a career option.

The main reason I was inspired (ha inspired, i'm actually wasting time at work) to write this blog is because of the following status i spied on facebook.....

I realise, this blog isn't the kind of blog they are looking for but I now have a burning ambition to interview a great touring band, i guess you could say it's been my lifelong ambition. You may say that my lifelong ambition was to go on the gong show. But I already did that.... we got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught fire. 

But this is more than that, just think how amazing it would be to interview a great touring band and find out if they too find dogs in hats entertaining, to ask them if they also think monkeys should be given free cigarette's just because they look so good when they smoke! whether or not jose mourinho confuses them (sexually) and if they also claim that things that happened to homer simpson happened to them (partly because its funny when other people believe it and partly because they too are convinced that homer simpsons life is based on their own) and the thing i need to know more than anything else from these great touring bands is..... have they seen starship troopers.

 it's a great film. 

monkey bizness

earlier today i saw a news report on the bbc website called

Monkey in sheepskin jacket on the loose at Ikea in Toronto

and if you cant be bothered to click the link basically you are missing out on this....

yes its a MONKEY IN A SHEEPSKIN JACKET!

this is the best thing you will see all week. you will win the lottery on wednesday and this will still be the best part of the week. your first born will be born on thursday and this will still be the best part of the week. 

why? 

because monkeys are awesome. that is scientific fact.

LOOK!

this monkey is smoking

this one is riding a bike... WITH STABILISERS

this one is wearing a suit

this one has a dress on! LOOK! its a monkey in a dress! 

yes that really is a monkey riding a dog at the worlds greatest rodeo! 

that is a monkey doing magic

and thats a mexican wrestler called flying monkey midget

my point is proven! 

pork flavoured tears

i'm being made to watch made in chelsea! i'm not happy.

what have i done to deserve this?

if this was a tv show it would be called "being made to watch made in chelsea" it'd mainly be me sat in the corner frantically typing while occasionally looking up at the screen and saying "fucks sake" a lot.

the rest of the show would be me planning how to kill them all! i'd start by glassing the cunt on screen now with his own champagne flute while the others watched. just as a warning to them.

they'd be given exactly one week to stop being doyles. if they didnt sort themselves out i'd start hunting them for sport. one would die each week.

i think this show would really take off.

i'd watch it if i wasn't in it.

is this acting or reality? whats going on? why do people like this?

if i hadn't been made an amazing tea and eaten my own body weight in pork i would have walked out by now!

its nothing to do with politeness i just cant move at the minute.

i really dont think i will fit in the outfit i am planning to wear on friday night any more.....

if this pitch works and "being made to watch made in chelsea" gets made then i will go on a diet cos i think that will make a nice killing suit

for fucks sake they are all doyles on this show. there's a fit ginger girl that is such a doyle i'm struggling to fancy her! 

i'm going to cry.

the pork was amazing though

christmas is coming

so its just over a month till i start thinking about what i will get people for christmas. and how i will avoid seeing them until january sales start and i can get their present cheaper.

i want a bit more cash to spend this christmas, but not for presents for friends or family.

there's a lot of people who are lonely, in need, sick and homeless. its especially hard for them at this time of year and i plan to think of them while i am having all the extra christmas nights out this idea is going to afford me......

advent calendars!

not just your usual advent calendars though.

its all got too commercial. it sickens me a little inside when i see a glee advent calendar or a bob the builder advent calendar. why is there a mars bar advent calendar and what do milky ways really have to do with christmas? i've gotta say i die a little inside when i see an eastenders advent calendar and it just makes me cry when i see kids getting excited about a news at ten advent calendar.

so i'm really looking at whats important this christmas...... ME!

this year you will be able to buy an advent calendar thats not about a tv show or a band or a movie or some chocolates.

each day you will open the door and see a picture of me and hear silky smooth voice of shakin stevens singing to you, it will brighten your day and fill my pockets

lovely stuff

not so long....

i thought i wouldnt leave it as long this time, i cant decide what to write though, so i'll give you a run down of my evening and hope i think of something interesting in the mean time. tonight i have played drawsomething. ah crap yeah thats it, its all i seem to do when i'm not working at the minute. most of my drawings look like a special kid has got hold of some crayons but i'm properly addicted to playing it. i'm staying up later to play "just one more turn" then i'm tired at work the next day. then my drawings get worse cos i'm tired but it just carries on. i might need an intervention. oh i've just seen the boro score we drew with doncaster. fucks sake looks like promotion is out of the window for us now. real madrid lost tonight too, that means jose wont be very happy....

chris mentioned to me this idea recently.... what if chelsea ended up playing real in the champions league final and real won, jose denying abramovich the thing he wants most. it'd be funny as fuck.....

anyways its my turn on drawsomething.....

been a while.... again

so its been ages since i wrote a blog.

in that time i've turned 28 and got a new job.

turning 28 was weird. since i was about 16 i have joked that i was gonna be a proper rockstar and join the 27 club.... this stopped being funny around the time i was 26. when i actually turned 28 i got a right shitty on about it. it was the age i never expected to get to. i always said i would have burned out by then with a rock n roll legacy behind me. but instead i didnt really have much to show for it. this got me proper down.

fortunately i got a new job around this time. its labouring on a building site, totally different to what i have done before. but one of the best things i have done in ages, i'm fitter than i've ever been and i've got regular money in my pocket for the first time in ages. it really tires me out though so i've not been on here as much. thats gonna change. i like writing this blog. i find it entertaining and i hope others do too. plus i need to take bort to the masses as lots of people seem to be far too serious

so expect more blogs very soon.... maybe

where i am come from

two of my friends write very good blogs, they are fantastic writers and these are 2 blogs well worth reading

sam has been mentioned on here before. his blog is here...
http://irrelevantidiot.blogspot.com

 chris's blog is here.... http://mrminnellium.wordpress.com

well they have both recently wrote blogs about the area we are from (middlesbrough) and how it seems to be looking at the parmo (local delicacy/slab of calories, tastes dead nice) as a symbol of the area. 

they both put forward some very interesting ideas and reasons for this. obviously i have a better idea though. 

we need a symbol of our local identity. something that encapsulates our history, our minor celebrities and our parmo.

he's called bort the boro tiger

he's a bengal tiger with the body of the middlesbrough transporter bridge, the head of local singing sensation amelia lily and he has a hat made from a parmo 

all hail bort